roles...

Every little kid in the world had dreams of what and who they want to be. Most of them grew out of it. I never did. I grew up, playing roles in my life to survive. I played roles in my life to cover what I did not wish others to find out. I played roles in my life, that I eventually got good at it and people would believe the stories I made up in an instant. Is it hard to play different roles? No. Is it tiring? Yes.

The problem I have now, mostly are related to playing the roles I used to do or even still do. I played the good son, so my parents would overlook the obvious, my sexuality. I played the queen gay boy at school to avoid interactions with boys I find attractive. I played the student, so I won’t be so out of place with people my age.

The only thing I know about myself is that I am gay. Do I love being gay? Yes. Do I wish I had handled things differently back then? Hell yeah! If I never played the roles, if I just didn’t run away from my problems, I would be able to distinguished role play and real life.

I started playing a role when I realized, to be a failure in my father’s eyes is not tolerated. Corporal punishment is a typical thing in my family for any kind of failure. Children cope differently towards traumatizing childhood. My sister grew up to be a rebel with issues, she chose not to show to the outside world and ended up with her tough and bullying personality exterior. My brother chose to be more less the same. Both my older sister and younger brother dealt with their childhood in similar ways. They may have had terrible grades in school and suffered for it, but they never really had to be someone else. I, on the other hand, had another option. An option I regret taking, playing roles.

My grades were never terrible, in fact it was always one of the best in school. I didn’t want to disappoint my father and definitely did not want to endure the punishment my sister and brother had to. The moment I realized I am gay, I had no one, I could confide in. I thought it was wrong, so I played the role of the good son, all the while I was becoming more and more the prodigal son. And to be honest I don’t know, when will I return or if I will ever return at all.

Seeing how playing a role somehow did solve my problems, however short lived it was, I started playing other roles in other situations until I eventually got stuck in the routine of playing roles, without even realizing it. I am many things, but most of those things aren’t me. I am a brother, a son, a smoker, an alcoholic, gay, a recreational drug user and many more, but those are just attributes every other humans have. But they still can define and describe themselves, as to me, I am completely and utterly lost, when I am asked, who I really am.

This is my way of healing. By writing about myself, I am hoping that eventually I will be able to unravel the mystery of who I really am.

the age gap…

Gay man always had this nagging feeling, gay man is 27 (or whatever age gay man is at the moment gay man thinks about this feeling) going on 40. Maybe that would explain, why gay man is attracted to men older than him. Let gay man rephrase that sentence.

Maybe that would explain, why gay man is attracted to men more mature than him. But mostly being mature or not, has something to do with your age, cause being older allows you to have more experience in life, which may (or may not) make you more mature.

One phrase, gay man has heard a lot the past few years, every time gay man met someone or when gay man had the first date with someone (usually they are in their late 30s or early 40s), is either “I am too old for you” or “The age gap is too much”.

Well men, it is time you come up with something more original, cause (trust gay man) it just sounds lame to hear the same phrase from all of you. It’s like you all are in one club or a cult that has that phrase as its byline.

What is wrong with the age gap? Can’t gay man learn something from someone, who has had more life experience? And can’t you learn from someone who lives in a different generation or time?

Of course, at a certain time in your life you have been gay man's age, but why is it that you use the age gap as an excuse to not try it out and see where it goes?

This is probably one thing you men have to learn from Samantha Jones from “Sex and the City”. And please do give us younger ones more credit.

an end...

On May 11th, gay man met Mr. K for the first time. After that monday, gay man and Mr. K met a couple of times. On dates, so to say. Everything was good. Everything was almost perfect, actually. Everytime they meet, they meet for at least for 3 hours (mostly 4 hours) and they never run out of topics for conversations.

Sounds perfect, right? So what seems to be the problem? Last night, gay man and Mr. K met at Mr. K's appartment to watch a movie. They watched "Jeffrey" from 1995. It's such a fun movie, but this is not about the movie. Gay man wanted to know, where everything's heading with Mr. K. And apparently gay man isn't the only curious. Mr. K kind of brought up the topic first after the movie. Gay man wanted to ask a couple of nights before, but in the midst of (as always) interesting conversation with Mr. K, gay man forgot to ask.

Mr. K didn't really ask, he actually made an observation on his behalf, to which gay man only can agree. Mr. K felt no sexual attraction between them. Gay man can only agree, but gay man had to set the record gay (this is A GAY BLOG and not a straight blog...). Gay man's lack of interest in having sex has nothing to do with Mr. K.

Gay man explained that, the lack of interest in having sex began about six or seven months ago. Gay man even explained, that he is a bit worried that gay man might never want to have sex again. But Mr. K assured gay man, that it'll come again (gay man sure hopes it'll come again sooner rather than later).

Though between gay man and Mr. K didn't turn out as gay man might have hoped at the beginning, but gay man is pleased to get to know Mr. K and to actually count Mr. K as a friend. Gay man might not be having any sexual orgasm any time soon, but mind orgasmic conversation is just as good, if not better. Don't you agree? Gay man sure knows that his sister agrees with that. But that is for another post.

unnoticed disaster...

Today, I had this feeling like everyone was looking at me the whole time. No matter where I was. Being the self-loving, narcissistic gay man that I am, I of course believe and think "well, that's what happen, when a God walks among mortals". My narcissism is not extreme. It's still in the normal range, but still that's what I think if people stare at me.

I like to believe (and I am pretty sure it is so), if people are looking at me, it's because of how I look. In a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being please cover your head with a brown paper bag, cause showing your face in public without covering it, can also be considered either crime or polluting, I would say I am an 8 or 9 (more likely 9 or 10, but I just want to be humble here). Even a straight ex-tv host, who I think is just as sexy and good looking as I am, who happens to live in the same city I live, looks, if not stares at me, when we pass each other somewhere (I swear, I am not making this up!). But the score I get in this scale is not the issue in this post.

Back to the topic, people were staring at me, which I thought was pretty usual, since they do it almost every day, when they see me.

It is not until when I met a friend of mine, who told me, why everyone was staring at me on this particular day.

He pointed out, that I was wearing the shirt inside out. I was embarassed and blushing, that for another few steps I walked as if I knew nothing about it and went inside a cafe to go to the toilet.

If only I looked one more time in the mirror before leaving the apartment. That's one hell of an important lesson I learned today. That's what mirrors are for.

official first date...

Last night was gay man's official first date with Mr. K. The date consisted of the usual program. Dinner (candle light), a bottle of gay man's and his friends' favorite white wine and the usual topics about your past, family, etc.

Gay man and Mr. K enjoyed four hours of a great evening. The hardest part would be the part where gay man was about to step out of Mr. K's car. See gay man has changed. He is no longer the gay man that jumps a man when the possibility arises. Gay man had to restrain himself not to fail himself. So when the time came, they said their goodbyes and gay man stepped out of the car. Gay man was, and still is so proud of himself because he was a perfect gentleman last night.

Gay man and Mr. K have on the weekend their second date. This time Mr. K wants to cook. We can only wait and see now, what happens on saturday. Gay man surely hopes that he can restrain himself and be at his best behaviour on saturday as he was last night.

a new chapter...

Having watching to many movies in gay man's life, he developed a lot of ideas on how certain things in life should happen.

For instance he imagined he would buy the lottery and win big time like the movie "It Could Happen To You". But having as much luck as the three legged dog, he never did win anything. Not even win back the money he spent buying the lottery.

The next imagination would be how he would have his revenge to all gay men for not seeing him as the hot stud. So gay man would visit the gym as often as he could and reappear in the scene as the stud everyone wants to get to know and get in bed with. As luck would have it, gay man lacks the discipline to pull it through. Gay man just loves food too much to give up anything.

And another imagination would be on how he would meet the man of his dream. The setting was supposed to be a nice cafe on a lake like a certain cafe in a certain metropolitan city in europe. Gay man was suppose to be reading a book, either by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs and the man of his dreams was suppose to sit at the next table with a book. It doesn't have to be a book from either author, gay man is reading. They were suppose to laugh because the books they were reading were so funny, they couldn't hold it in any longer. But like the other two imaginations gay man has, life has other plans in store for gay man.

Gay man met a very smart and sexy man a few days ago. The setting was a bar/cafe in the metropolitan city's gay street and the man was supposed to be gay man's best friend's future employer.

The moment the man stepped inside the bar/cafe, gay man thought "this man is not really my type". But as luck would have it, gay man was forced to take back his thoughts. The man (gay man will refer him as Mr. K in the future) is one of the most intriguing, smart, intelligent, well cultured and eventually one of the most sexiest men, gay man has ever met.

After an hour of the meeting, gay man's best friend had to leave to work. Gay man initially wanted to leave the moment his best friend was to leave for work. But after the first hour passed by, gay man finds himself wanting to stay and to chat a bit more with Mr. K.

They talked about a lot of things, from movies, music and past relationships. Gay man found out that evening, that just like gay man, Mr. K hates watching movies not in its original language. They both also hate books that have been translated.

So things went way better than gay man's initial expectation. At the end of the evening, Mr. K drove gay man back home and just before gay man stepped out of his car, Mr. K gave gay man his business card. If there is one thing gay man lacks experience in, it would be the ethics to dating. Like many movies have dictated most of gay man's life, he thought of the three-day-rule. This rule caused gay man to have a dillema the next day. Should he contact Mr. K or not? Against his better judgement, he decided to text Mr. K. One thing gay man hates most is games when it comes to dating, hence the text.

Gay man waited anxiously for a reply from  Mr. K. A few hours passed by and no reply, gay man thought "F*%!, I messed it again this time. He must think I am desperate". The worst part was, gay man and Mr. K agreed on one thing, desperation is very unsexy and is probably a deal-braker. This time gay man was lucky. Really lucky, that he thought he should go out and buy a lottery ticket or set his mind to go to the gym to get his revenge on all gay-mankind, but these thoughts were only present for a split second, for gay man came back to reality hearing his phone ringing again the second time.

Gay man couldn't believe his luck. Just when he thought he messed things up again, it actually payed off to text Mr. K. They ended up having a conversation for half an hour.

The next few days, gay man and Mr. K didn't have that much words to exchange, not because they both were lacking words or topics to exchange, but because Mr. K had to leave the country on business.

Looking forward to his first date with Mr. K, gay man was very excited and very much surprised to receive a call from Mr. K. Apparently Mr. K was waiting for his next plain before he gets home. Still sitting in an airport in a foreign country, Mr. K decided to call gay man for a micro second, just to hear gay man's voice. At first gay man thought that Mr. K came back earlier as planned, but then he found out Mr. K wanted to hear his voice to kill a few micro seconds waiting in an airport. Gay man and Mr. K will be having their official first date soon.

Though they didn't meet in a cafe on a sunny day while reading books next to another, it was still like in a movie. Gay man has to admit, his imagination could be out of a A-List hollywood blockbuster romantic-comedy, although gay man would describe, how they actually met, is more like out of a B-List movie, it couldn't have been any better. It was perfect actually. The not-my-type-but-after-getting-to-know-him scenario was a better story for gay man.

He certainly hopes, if it goes well with Mr. K, that maybe gay man has many more encounters in life, which of course includes Mr. K, that are more A-List materials. But deep down inside, gay man doesn't want to imagine things as they might have been in a movie, just because, he wants a life that is not as well plotted like any movies. He wants his life to be a life and not some scenes from a movie or so.

It was then and there, where gay man decided to stop imagining how his life could have been.

new profound passion...

Gay man was devastated after Mr. X dumped him, that he went to alcohol and drugs for comfort. They did their jobs as expected, but gay man realized that drugs are like bungee jumping (not that gay man ever tried it), but it only gave gay man a momentarily gratification and comfort.

Gay man decided to quit and move on. He did and he decided to write a script for a feature film based on real events of his relationship (the end of his relationship to be more precise). It turned out to be a passion gay man never knew he had.

This new profound knowledge of this new passion has ever since been like a bad case of diarrhea (in a good way). Gay man has been having new ideas for new scripts. Thanks to his loyal moleskine notebook, gay man has been recording his idea on paper.

Gay man loves the process of having new ideas and writing about it. In the midst of new technologies coming to the market every nanoseconds, there's something therapeutic about writing his early drafts on paper. Somehow it keeps his juice flowing (not the juice gay man usually refers on his perverted days. Believe it or not gay man has become a pretty decent and no longer the slutty gay man, he was before).

When people say, after rain comes sunshine, well it's true. Although things with Mr. X didn't end on a happy note, gay man managed to find one thing he prefers to do anytime, writing a script. So the rain has passed, the sun starts to shine again and gay man learned something, something good always comes out of something bad.

He may have thought that his life was coming to an end (it actually did at the time) but now things seem to be even better than it was before.

Gay man is now waiting for feedbacks of two professionals in the movie industry on his script and we'll just have to see where it goes afterwards. Keep your fingers crossed (I know mine are).

look who's back...

I'm back. I am truly sorry that it took me forever to post anything new. Life has been a hell of a rollercoaster ride, but slowly life is back as it should be. So a few updates in gay man's life. Mr. X is out of the picture. As beautiful it might have been with him, it eventually did come to an end.

Was I bummed about it? Hell yeah, but it did give me something to write about. I may not have written anything for this precious little anonymous blog of mine, but I picked up on a project and turning the experience I had with Mr. X a script for a feature film.

Whether any studio is willing to pick the script and actually make a film out of it, is out of my hand now. But I am just glad I wrote it.

I am also more than glad to announce, that I have a few ideas for near future posts. So you'll be seeing a few things here.

Also glad to announce that gay man (yes me) met someone recently. This time it is less drama (hopefully, for starters he's single). I shall refer to him as Mr. K. Smart, intelligent and sharp.

I also found a lot of sites that provided me with eyecandy. These kind of sites are like virus, they're a lot of them and they seem to be growing exponentially, if not faster.

I won't be caught up with this illness like most of them, but a bit of my personal taste for eyecandy might be seen here and there.

So just come back and see if anything new has been posted.

_{P.S. The last post was actually written a few months back but didn't post it due to lack of time and interest, since it was written a couple of weeks after Mr. X dumped me.}

when friends become foes...

Once upon a time in gay man's land, gay man and Alcohol were best friend. The only problem was they could never go out one evening without a certain scene happening. Mostly the scenes happen in front of friends in a private place. Gay man was glad it never happened in public.

One day gay man thought about it. Gay man loves Alkee (gay man's nickname for Alcohol) so much that he was ready to sacrifice certain things, just so their friendship could last.

Gay man spent weeks thinking, what the real problem is, that they could never have a night out together in peace. Then it hit gay man. He realized that Alkee was jealous of gay man. But gay man wonders why.

Gay man came to the conclusion after he recapitulated every single night they went out together. Gay man realized, that at the end of the night, or at the beginning of the day after, that somehow Alkee managed to partially impair gay man's sight, causing gay man to see everything in blur.

Once, gay man woke up in a bed of some guy, he swears, if his sight was never partially impaired, he would not in a million year either sleep with or wake up next to that guy (although gay man would bend his principles in such cases for say... A million dollars? At least).

And that isn't the only case. Once gay man had to be rushed to the hospital, because Alkee convinced gay man not to eat. Bad idea.

After realizing that Alkee wasn't really the best of friends, gay man declared war with Alkee and was looking for someone to fill Alkee's shoes. This was the moment Alkee and gay man became foe.

During this phase, gay man met new friends, who quickly became gay man's new best friends. They were Mary Jane, Cocs and Ee. They all had fun and for a certain moment gay man totally forgot about Alkee.

But out of the three new friends, Mary Jane was the only one who was half way true and loyal. Ee and Cocs were mostly friends in good times, and Lord knows, where they were in bad times.

After a while gay man realized there is a way to become friends again with Alkee. Gay man contacted Alkee to declare truce. Alkee was more than glad to welcome the truce declaration. Alkee missed gay man as much as gay man missed Alkee, but Alkee was just to glad that one of them made the first move.

when gay and straight collide...

For a few who know me, would laugh to hear this story. But for those, who don't know me (which is the rest of the world), let me describe my flatmate. I live in a small apartment about 1100 sq foot with a cute guy I'll call "M" (Finally, a bit of James Bond in my blog. Soon I'll be telling you guys stories of my mission in Cuba and how the sex party was, in of the evening where I didn't have to work. Save that one for another time).

"M" is so cute and handsome, which many disagree to this certain opinion I have, about my flatmate. Although sometime they'll come to realize I was right all along. He may not be someone you'd think of handsome or cute rightaway. But there's something about him, that's sexy and seducing, but that's not the point.

So my flatmate is straight, although many may think he is not as straight as many straight men come. Trust me, he is. The point is, "M" is straight. We go to the same university, have the same major and live together. At campus "M" is quite close to a certain chick, I always knew, is a lesbian. Last weekend was the opening weekend to "Christopher Street Day" in my city. The day all gay men and women as well as transgender and transexual and bisexual get together and hunt people out of the street in the city. One day I am not to fond of because Christopher Street was a social-political event back in the late 60's in New York. Europe had nothing to do with it. But whatever. Well the chick called him on saturday and she was wondering if "M", my straight flatmate, wanted to join her to an opening party. To the invitation, "M" responded "Well, thanks for the invitation. But sorry, not gay. You should probably ask my flatmate "The Gay Man".

"Your flatmate is gay? "The Gay Man"^*) is gay?!?" was her raction. I actually wonder, why some people would be surprise to hear the fact that I, "The Gay Man", am in fact gay. Why the hell, would I use "The Gay Man" as my nickname here if I were straight. That would be misleading.

Apparently the news of me being gay is a shock to a lot of people. She is not the first one, who was surprised by this news.

So the lesbian thought I was straight and "M" was gay. I really don't know me being "accused" of being straight, should I take it as a compliment or an insult. In the gay community, seeing "...straight acting only..." is just as common as seeing a caucasian walking down the street in Canon City, Colorado (don't ask me why I chose this city to be my example...). So in that sense, it is a compliment. Is it? Or does it mean I am cured from homosexuality? My parents would be jumping up and down (since jumping right and left is not that easy) in joy. They'd probably throw a big party for 7 days and 7 nights, if I were to turn straight.

^*) _{Name has been changed to protect the author's identity. Batman would never hand out Bruce Wayne's business card.}

thoughts of a fellow blogger...

Chatting with a fellow blogger Rima Fauzi, who pointed out the fact that my blog is mostly about sex. I beg to differ with Rima's opinion (Claiming to be a Goddess, with faithful followers). My blog entries are not all sexual-related themes.

Let me see.... First entry was "welcome to my humble blog...". It wasn't sexual in any way, unless you count asking for gender online as a preliminary act before any actual sexual conduct. If that's the case, guilty as charged.

My second entry, "4 arms or more..." is definitely PG13. Let's be honest, any 13 year old kid on the streets nowadays knows about sex, so mentioning being invited to a private sex party is not sexual at all. You wouldn't say, discussing menu for a buffet is actual eating, would you?

The third one, who many believes to be a charm (still don't get it why. If it works on the first time, that would be a charm for me...), "beware if what you wish for..." has nothing in anyway what-so-ever to do with sex. Unless you know someone out there, whose fetish happens to be doing it near/on/in^*) an exploding building. I don't know anyone with such fetish.

"party of many..." is without a doubt an entry, that was about sex. Almost explicitly talking about the number of men I had sex almost simultaneously and wishing to have more than 2 hands.

The entry "dry season..." maybe easily mistaken for a sexual related entry, but it was more to the dry season my brain is having, not being able to produce a wort for a new entry.

"mlp..." is so harmless, that I even considered sending my parents this link. But not wanting to cause heart failure to either one of them, I decided this should be kept a secret from them.

After reviewing all my entries, I really can't see Rima's point about my blog being very sexual.

^*) _{choose the one that applies.}

mlp...

The digital age of meeting men has changed a lot in my(our) live(s). Yes it makes it even easier to pretend you are someone else. My favourite would be using names such as John Hardcock (pretty obvious, since having a hard cock is something very valuable in the gay scene).

But what is really fun is that you don't have to spend that much time to do anything. For example all the abbreviations made only for the online world (as described some in welcome to my humble blog).

The first time I went online and went looking for other gay men, I felt like the internet had its own language. I mean in headlines of people's profile were more less like this: "GWM ISO GAM" or "GWM ISO FTA with bottom G*M". Of course I realized afterwards that such abbreviations existed long before online dating existed.

Here are some of the online abbreviations you might use sometime soon or not, or you might have used before...

GWM = Gay White Male

GAM = Gay Asian Male

GHM = Gay Hispanic Male

ISO = In Search Of

FTA = Fun, Travel or Adventure

ASL = Age, Sex and Location?

POZ = HIV Positive

NEG = HIV Negativ

FF = Fist Fuck

WS = (For those who have had PCs before Windows existed, nope it doesn't stand for "Word Star") Water Sport, meaning anything that has to do with piss

KV = Kaviar (Yup, sounds elegant and classy, but it has a whole different meaning when you are browsing a german's profile. KV means scat)

CBT = Cock & Ball Torture

TT = Tit Torture

SM = Sado Maso

BDSM = Bondage, Sado & Maso

and many more.

I don't get all the point of this abbreviation thing. I prefer to chat like I talk. I don't go out there and meet guys and ask "Hi, my name is Hardcock, John Hardcock. So, interested in WS/KV/CBT (or whatever you want to ask)?". I prefer to avoid miscommunication. It is probably a stupid reason to avoid abbreviations. Some would say, it makes life easier. But I could easily mistaken an abbreviation for another which might not make sense at all.

I have mistaken FF for Free Food. It does make sense right? It did to me. And BB was BodyBuilder. God was I wrong about that one. BB stands for bareback, which means sex without condom. Well being the innocent gay man I was, it was easy to honestly mistaken these abbreviations. Ever since I always ask what does he mean with the abbreviation he used.

Not wanting to mistake TGIF for Thank God It's Fuckday (which would be anyday for me) or even worse GFY for Go Fuck Yourself.

_{p.s. MLP stands for My Latest Post or when it's no longer my latest, then it would be My Last Post, if it is to be my last. It could even stand for My Lamest Post.
p.s.s. TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday and GFY actually stands for Good For You.}

dry season...

Waiting for inspiration to fill this humble blog is not easy. I wonder how Carrie (Bradshaw) manage to always have something to tell. I actually wonder how anyone have endless ammunition for writing.

I am experiencing, what the technical term would be writer's block. I really wish there is a cure for this illness, since it has become somewhat like a regular visitor in the period, where I do wish to write something new and exciting.

But well, since there aren't any medication, anyone knows for sure it would work against write's block, I guess I'd just have to try my best to work with it (trust me, it's not something easy to work with). Come to think of it, having this illness, it is more less like sex. Sometimes you just can't get enough. Sometimes you just don't get enough. I guess whoever thought of the concept Yin Yang was frustated when he/she didn't get enough sex. Well he/she could've been a writer as well, but somehow sex is just more fun.

I have to admit, being gay and having sex being somewhat like the national anthem, using sex an example just seems like more fun. Sex is one of the few words you could put in any sentence, and still it would feel right. Or is it just me?

party of many...

Being promiscuous when you are gay is like being naughty when you're a little kid. It's not unusual. Me being a gay man and love sex more than almost anything, being promiscuous would be an understatement.

While visiting a member of my family (ma soeur), I had the chance to experience something I never thought I would ever experience. A private sex party. Yup, the three words, which are my favorite out of all the words that exist.

I was invited by a friend, who was invited by the host. This is not a chance I would throw out the window as if it would come again when I feel like it. Good thing I went there, cause I don't regret any second I was at the party. Being a gay man between 20 other men, whose sole purpose were to fuck as if doomsday is lurking just around the corner waiting for the right moment to knock on everyone's door.

I have to admit not having sex with all 20 men, is like going to an all-you-can-eat restaurant having paid full price but could only eat the appetizer. I was disappointed of myself only having sex with 6 men simultaneously.

But it was an experience I would never regret nonetheless. The bright side was, at least I had sex with the 6 hottest men according to my taste.

This is the perfect example as one of many reasons why I wish I had the option of having 2 or more arms (see: 4 arms or more).

Having a threesome already doubles the pleasure. Imagine having a sixsome. I need not imagine any longer. I miss the feeling of the intensified pleasure. Not that I'm complaining about the sex with my boyfriend (trust me no one would complain about the sex with my boyfriend), but it is different.

My advice, if such an opportunity knocks on your sexlife's door. Don't turn it down, be open to new experiences.

Now I only wonder, when the time comes, where me and my boyfriend decide to throw our own private sex party, how much more intensive it would be.

beware of what you wish for...

Many have tried to pray in time of need. Some were fulfilled, some weren't. As a little kid, I (and I'm pretty sure, I'm not the only one) also had wishes. But my wishes were a bit extreme (when it comes to the wishes, I think I might be the only one).

I wished at a certain time, while my whole family and I, of course, were in a plane flying somewhere, that I'd really like to see a plane crash, cause it would've been spectacular. My mistake was to actually speak out my wish, which led to my mother sitting with fear and wishing (or praying in silence) that it wouldn't happen. As we all can see, my wish that day didn't come true (thank you God for not listening to my wish that day).

I also recall a similar wish, while sitting in a car driving between skyscrapers, that I really wanted to see one of the high buildings explode. And again god pretended, he (or she) was deaf. But later that day I realized that I had spoken out my wish a bit too loud, causing my mother to once again pray to counteract my wish.

I wonder what she thought of having a child around 7 or 8 years old wishing for bad things to happen.

Not saying, that I wished that 9/11 happened, but I somehow felt guilty for actually wishing something like that would happened (about 11 years before it actually happened). In a way 9/11 was 2 wishes made 11 years before it actually happened made into 1 incident. God bless their souls and may they rest in peace.

Of course, being the little kid I was, I concluded that wishing for things with a bang and saying your wishes out loud would cause god to pretend to be deaf. After learning this valuable lesson, I wished for something I never spoke of until it actually happened, which is not long after I wished for it. The wish was "please god, make my life more interesting than the plain boring life I had in my family."


I have to say, god has a great sense of humor. Boy, did god make my life interesting. I realized I was gay not long after I wished for it. Which led to a feud in the family (many years later) and so on. But for once I felt god actually listened to what I wished for. And god delivered.

As I have mentioned in my previous entry (see: 4 arms or more), my current relationship, with the married man (he is married to a fellow gay sister), although it is still short, but it has definitely made my life way more interesting than I could ever imagine. The ups and downs of the relationship is probably a result of my wish.
Now I wish my life was less interesting. Damn it! It will never be fulfilled. After learning this very very valuable lesson, I became more careful when it comes to my wishes. Not wanting to wish something bad to anyone or anything that I might regret in 11 years or so.

And I also learned, if I really wanted something then I should wish for it but in silence. My wishes is only between my and the creator of the universe and the one I partially blame for making my life sometimes feels like hell on earth.

Naa, just kidding. I have god to thank for everything I have.

I will always remember this, a lesson that I had to learn the hard way.

I wish I would win (...)

Stop there gay man! It may not come true if you end that sentence out loud!

4 arms or more...

Well, who would've thought. Me posting 2 blog-entries in one night. But here I am and this is my second entry tonight for this blog. So here goes.

While chatting today with a fellow blogger, I realized how limited we are as people in general and I am as a gay man in particular just because we were born with a default setting of having only two arms.

Yes, it may sound cruel to have said such a thing, especially when there are people struggling having none of the things I have two of and am still not satisfied. Greed, but that's another topic for another entry somewhere in the near or distant future.

Yes, I have two arms and I wish I had more. How much more? I can't say yet. But if I should decide this very moment, I'd probably ask for 6 arms. Yup, I think 6 arms should cover just about what I need. I will of course refer sex as one of the reasons to having 6 arms. I can say this much now, it involves 7 other hot men.

But the main reason to have 6 arms is actually for smaller purposes in life, which would make a whole lot of difference in one's quality of life. For instance, the moment I came up with this wish, was when I was chatting with a fellow blogger. My arms had to jump back and forth from the keyboard to rolling a joint and back to the keyboard. "If only I had another pair of hands" was the first thought came to mind.

And then I realized how easier life would have been if you had the option of having 2 or more arms. While sitting in front of a PC, there are various activities most women and gay men and very few heterosexual men can actually perform simultaneously. With 6 arms, I could've chatted, roll a joint and eat something.

Or if I was watching porn, which I love to do if I had the spare time, I could simultaneously stimulate more areas on my body, while jerking off. Or watching porn while jerking off and roll a joint. Or whatever combination you have in mind, having 6 arms while sitting in front of your own PC.

Having 6 arms for me would increase my sexual pleasure 6 times than having "only" 2 arms. While visiting my sister, I had the chance of going to private sex party organized by a friend of some guy I met online. He invited me to go there. Me being the gay man, who loves sex almost more than anything in life, wouldn't even think about rejecting such invitations. That has changed a bit after having a boyfriend, who is married by the way. Another topic for another blog entry.

So the guy picked me up and we went to the private sex party. The first five minutes for me was like being 6 years old again and walked either into a candy store, which in my case is more like a supermarket, where anything edible equals a candy, or walked into a Barbie beachhouse and flirt with Ken. I just sat somewhere, where I could see the whole action, while determining which men I would allow to have sex with me. And of course I found 6 men.

Since I (or any other gay men) could only accommodate 4 men at a time, having 6 men around you would leave 2 men feeling left behind. Now, we want to be fair to all, this is where having more than 2 arms play an important role. Although then I didn't have any problems whatsoever. And none of the men felt left out.

But still, having more than 2 arms would've been a huge help. If I don't have to decide right now, I would create a list of possible scenes in the near future, where having more than 2 arms would be a blessing.

welcome to my humble blog...

Welcome to my blog. Well for some of the guys, who happen to be gay as well, they probably are wondering, "What the fuck does welcome mean?".

I don't blame them, online mostly you see strange abbreviations for the sake of keeping it short and fast. For example, welcum. Well it saves you 1 letter less to type.

YIPPIIIEEE!!

I just spared my muscle one unnecessary movement, that may have burned 0,5 kcal. That is a particular abbreviation, probably only gay guys know.

There are more popular abbreviation. Here is one, probably even your grandfather knows (or knew), "asl" or also known as "a/s/l ?". Which is the easiest way to find out the three most important informations you really need to know.

A for Age
A good way to find out if it is legal to conduct certain actions, only adults with adults do, with both parties consenting the action, which is about to be performed by/to/on^*) each other.

S for Sex
Nope, it is not a question whether you'd like to have sex with the one on the other end, but more about your gender.

I remember times, where a friend of mine back in high school told me stories about him pretending to be a girl in chatrooms, just out of fun. I joined him once, and I thought at times it was weird, but at times also very intriguing and arousing.

Yes, I am one of those who actually had a phase where I thought sexchat was sexy. Now I realize, it was just a form to get to know the scene before actually attend certain events the scene actually really has to offer.
So back to the abbreviation. That was S.

L for Location
I know I don't want to meet someone from the city/village/cave^*) XYZ while I live 2000 miles away. This is actually a fun part of chatting. Getting to know someone from another city and in almost real-time, without even having to leave your living room/bedroom/toilet^*). So this is pretty crucial for many chatters in a lot of places.

"Welcum asl" is probably the first line I mostly received, while I used to "hang out" in chat rooms on mIRC. But chatting online has changed a lot when it comes to writing skills. Not as if we don't have problems with people who don't know how to spell things.

And of course there's also the one-letter abbreviations. Instead of are, just the letter r. You is now online only u. Or the number abbreviations. "r u ready 4 dinner?" or "r u going 2 see him?".

And not to forget, capital letter only exists when you want to show emotions. "F*!$ UUUU!!!!" or "I LUUUUUV UU, HONEY!". Other than showing emotions, using capital letters are not really popular.

The most famous are "emoticons". Or emotion-icons. You know all the smiley faces and stuff. :-) or :-P or :-X or ;-) and many more. Emoticons may not be a form of abbreviation, but it surely has found its way to make chatting even more simpler, shorter and faster.

Life changes as time changes. I see life as a series of adventures. And adventures vary from time to time and it changes as well as time changes.

so welcum 2 my humble blog. this is my online story n i hope u njoy it as much as me writing it.

^*) _{choose the one that applies.}