Monday, February 28


Every little kid in the world had dreams of what and who they want to be. Most of them grew out of it. I never did. I grew up, playing roles in my life to survive. I played roles in my life to cover what I did not wish others to find out. I played roles in my life, that I eventually got good at it and people would believe the stories I made up in an instant. Is it hard to play different roles? No. Is it tiring? Yes.

The problem I have now, mostly are related to playing the roles I used to do or even still do. I played the good son, so my parents would overlook the obvious, my sexuality. I played the queen gay boy at school to avoid interactions with boys I find attractive. I played the student, so I won’t be so out of place with people my age.

The only thing I know about myself is that I am gay. Do I love being gay? Yes. Do I wish I had handled things differently back then? Hell yeah! If I never played the roles, if I just didn’t run away from my problems, I would be able to distinguished role play and real life.

I started playing a role when I realized, to be a failure in my father’s eyes is not tolerated. Corporal punishment is a typical thing in my family for any kind of failure. Children cope differently towards traumatizing childhood. My sister grew up to be a rebel with issues, she chose not to show to the outside world and ended up with her tough and bullying personality exterior. My brother chose to be more less the same. Both my older sister and younger brother dealt with their childhood in similar ways. They may have had terrible grades in school and suffered for it, but they never really had to be someone else. I, on the other hand, had another option. An option I regret taking, playing roles.

My grades were never terrible, in fact it was always one of the best in school. I didn’t want to disappoint my father and definitely did not want to endure the punishment my sister and brother had to. The moment I realized I am gay, I had no one, I could confide in. I thought it was wrong, so I played the role of the good son, all the while I was becoming more and more the prodigal son. And to be honest I don’t know, when will I return or if I will ever return at all.

Seeing how playing a role somehow did solve my problems, however short lived it was, I started playing other roles in other situations until I eventually got stuck in the routine of playing roles, without even realizing it. I am many things, but most of those things aren’t me. I am a brother, a son, a smoker, an alcoholic, gay, a recreational drug user and many more, but those are just attributes every other humans have. But they still can define and describe themselves, as to me, I am completely and utterly lost, when I am asked, who I really am.

This is my way of healing. By writing about myself, I am hoping that eventually I will be able to unravel the mystery of who I really am.

Monday, November 30

sexy man (4)...

What's his name again? The gardener from "Desperate Housewives". Oh well, he's yesterday's news. Today it is all about Marco Dapper (at least for gay man). Gay man accidentally "discovered" Marco in a gay themed movie called "Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds". If they meant Marco as the sloppy seconds, gay man will be more than glad to accept him.

In the movie, we even get to see Marco's family jewel. Well too bad it wasn't hard, cause then gay man won't be buying a cock in a sack (Wait. Isn't it suppose to be cat in a sack? Whatever...)

sexy man (3)...

So gay man stumbled upon this sexy man on

Robert Buckley, an actor who played Kim Raver's love interest in the short lived series "Lipstick Jungle". In the series he played Kim Raver's secret love affair, who is way younger than she is.

(Apparently the age gap thing only exists in the real world. In Candace Bushnell's fictive series world, it happens all the time)

After "Lipstick Jungle" was cancelled "One Tree Hill" saw that this guy could be the Chad Michael Murray's replacement (good riddance gay man says)

Well seeing these pictures, gay man can't see, why any man or woman would have the age gap thing as an excuse.

Sunday, November 29

the age gap…

Gay man always had this nagging feeling, gay man is 27 (or whatever age gay man is at the moment gay man thinks about this feeling) going on 40. Maybe that would explain, why gay man is attracted to men older than him. Let gay man rephrase that sentence.

Maybe that would explain, why gay man is attracted to men more mature than him. But mostly being mature or not, has something to do with your age, cause being older allows you to have more experience in life, which may (or may not) make you more mature.

One phrase, gay man has heard a lot the past few years, every time gay man met someone or when gay man had the first date with someone (usually they are in their late 30s or early 40s), is either “I am too old for you” or “The age gap is too much”.

Well men, it is time you come up with something more original, cause (trust gay man) it just sounds lame to hear the same phrase from all of you. It’s like you all are in one club or a cult that has that phrase as its byline.

What is wrong with the age gap? Can’t gay man learn something from someone, who has had more life experience? And can’t you learn from someone who lives in a different generation or time?

Of course, at a certain time in your life you have been gay man's age, but why is it that you use the age gap as an excuse to not try it out and see where it goes?

This is probably one thing you men have to learn from Samantha Jones from “Sex and the City”. And please do give us younger ones more credit.

Sunday, September 6

sexy man (2)...

Like gay man mentioned in his "sexy man (1)..." post, gay man has stumbled upon a few hot guys. Gay man stumbled upon this particular german actor and comedian.

He may not be as good looking as Jan Köppen, but that's not a bad thing. Hanno Friedrich, one of the cast members of Sat.1's sketch comedy show "Sechserpack", is one very very sexy man. Hanno is one of gay man's type, when it comes to men. He's sexy, very comfortable with his body and he has that certain something, that not a lot possess. Gay man would love to meet Hanno and...

"i'm to old for that stuff"...

Gay man has come to realise his new profound love of moving pictures. The relationship gay man has with the screen, is one relationship that hasn't been a disappointment.

This time gay man wants to tell the whole world about the series "How I Met Your Mother".

"How I Met Your Mother" is one of the funniest series, american television has to offer at the moment. The story of a group of five people living in New York. Ted Mosby is the center of the group. He is telling his children, the story of how he met his mother.

The cast of this series is just brilliant, Neil Patrick Harris, an openly gay actor portraying the straight playboy, which is just hilarious, cause he plays the straight playboy so dramatic, that gay man almost believed he was straight. Gay man loves Neil Patrick Harris in this series. Although gay man wasn't too crazy about him playing Doogie Howser back in the days. Here he has proved himself as an actor. That is only one of the cast. There is also Jason Segel and the rest of the gang.

But to understand what gay man is rambling about, you just have to watch the series.

csd. christopher street day or...?

Christopher street day is a celebration towards equal rights. The name of the political festivity is adopted from a street in New York City back in the 60s, to be exact on June 28th, 1969 in Greenwich Village, when the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) community took a stand and would no longer stay silent while the police assaulted them for who they are. The riot is also known as The Stonewall Riots.

Christopher Street Day is now the annual European LGBT celebration, although Germany is the only country using CSD as the official name, where other countries use either Pride Parade or Gay Pride, except for Switzerland, where the celebration is called Rainbow Pride.

Gay man celebrated his official CSD a couple of weeks ago in Berlin. Gay man has been a bit reluctant to celebrate gay pride, after seeing in person his first pride parade in Hamburg a couple years back. Not certain of what dressing up one day in a year could accomplished politically. Gay man just couldn't wrap his head around, why on earth should the He (Heterosexual) community accept, tolerate or even respect a community that given the opportunity, runs around and parades in a city center half naked (some even only covering essential parts)?

Gay man's first official gay pride in Berlin has tought him otherwise. There are still a lot gay man and his peers in the community have to achieve as to equal rights in every aspect of their lives, such as in the workspace, law and marriage.

One thing gay man is disappointed about the whole celebration, is the fact that a lot of the gay men, parading for tolerance and acceptance, are giving the wrong picture to the He community.

The celebration for equal rights and tolerance is nowadays, for a lot of gay men, a weekend to party, like any other weekend. Even during the parade, they started to party. Alcohol was flowing like water. Sex was to be seen, heard or even smelled in darker corners (i.e. in the park). The worst part, as soon as the parade starts, drugs were consumed almost everywhere.

Gay man hates to deliver the wrong message to others, that being gay is all about being young, party hard, have non-stop sex and consuming drugs until your body's no longer able to take it anymore.

Once, gay man's ancestor had to fight for equal rights, now where the society is almost there, as to giving us those rights, a lot of gay men, who are mostly very much in the scene, are fulfilling cliches and stereotypes.
This group in the community is not a reflection of who the community really is. This is just a glimpse of the community, who manages to create cliche and stereotype for the community. Gay man has nothing against this fraction of the community, but gay man only wishes that upon this day, that this fraction would be more aware of the political issues this celebration has, and be more responsible as all eyes are on the parade during the celebration. Is it that hard to behave for one day, when all eyes are on you, while doing the stuff you love the rest of the days in the year?

Gay man thinks not.